I Win.

I wrote this back when I was working for Walmart, and since they can't fire me anymore, I suppose I can post it. (not getting sued disclaimer: I am not a representative of Walmart, and this post is of my own opinion and does not necessarily reflect the views of Walmart.)

Where to begin...
   This corporation undoubtedly supplies much needed jobs to thousands, if not hundreds of thousands of people. But it is a great and evil thing, if only to me and my friends whom I've encountered during my 6+ years of employment. This job has destroyed my joy, ambition, and my respect for my fellow man.

   Now before you go making assumptions, "this guy has no idea what it's like to work (x) job." I'm not making any claims that I've got it any worse than anyone else out there, because I'm sure that there are much worse things that I could be doing with my life. I've heard some terrible stories, and I'm far from Third-World status in my lifestyle, but that's not the point I'm trying to express here. I just want to tell my story, and if you don't want to read it, no one's twisting your arm.

That being said, I'll continue.

   Growing up, I took great pleasure in expressing myself artistically. Some of my earliest memories are of drawing things with crayons and molding things out of Play-Doh. It was my passion, I was most content when I was creating something. It evolved over time, and I started playing guitar, which is an inherited skill. My grandfather was quite skilled with most any string instrument you could place in his hands, and I took great pride in learning how to produce music in his tradition (if perhaps in a different genre).
   Now, my creativity is deadened. Where once I could write music and lyrics, draw, paint, mold, build, and otherwise express my artistic self at a moment's notice, now it takes all of my force of will to bring out that side of myself. My pencils, paintbrushes, canvas, sketchbooks, guitars, and all other art supplies lie in wait, gathering dust. I used to want so much more. I used to want to pursue a real career in graphic design, or to be a comic book artist, a lead guitarist, or something ambitious.
   I intended to go to college and pursue an artistic career of some sort, but you need money to do that, so at the impressionable age of 18, I started working at Walmart. I was fooled into thinking that my schedule could be worked around college courses, that I could totally afford to work here and go to school at the same time. Once I was sucked in, however, it became apparent that there would be no flexibility. I was to devote myself entirely to this company, or face drastic cuts to my income. People who don't leave their availability completely open get scheduled to work dramatically less than everyone who does. I know, "nothing ventured, nothing gained," and as minimal as my needs are, I should have no problems scraping by, working part-time, piling on the credits on my way to a college degree. I like having enough money to pay my bills And eat, though. Call me crazy.
   After a few years, I settled into the position of Tire & Lube Express Technician. Which is arguably the least agonizing position in the company. After suffering two unbearable lengths of time as a cashier, separated by a slightly less difficult position in the electronics department for a few months, I determined that I wanted to be anywhere in the store that my customer and managerial interaction would be minimal. TLE was that place.

   I blame this company for all of my hardships, my shortcomings, my lowered self-confidence. It's all because of the endured daily mental torture. The brainwashed subordinates' constant babbling of things we must know, guidelines we must adhere to. Store meetings, which I avoid like the plague, our supervisors returning to us from them with new plans to increase sales. I dread returning to work after a couple of days off, waiting to hear what new policy has changed, what new asinine effort is to be put forth to sell things that people will not buy until they have need for them.
"What do I have to watch out for today?"
"Who's angry at us for what now?"
   It's maddening.

   We're constantly watched in the shop, or that's what our superiors would have us believe. As if the people who monitor the surveillance footage have nothing better to do than scrutinize our every movement. It's a matter of intimidation. Apparently employees who have a constant fear of punishment will perform more admirably and efficiently.
   The drones are quick to dole out the "coachings," no doubt about it. "Coaching" is a fancy word for being written up. There are stages of coaching, too; verbal (where they tell you that you're being a bad cog), written (where they make you write a little essay about how you're going to be a better cog from now on), and the dreaded "D-Day" (decision day, where you get a paid day off to decide whether or not you want to be a cog anymore). After this, of course, is termination.
   I personally have been coached for everything from bad morale to playing a prank on one of my more annoying co-workers (dipped his sunglasses in used oil, perfectly harmless, would have caused mild discomfort at the worst). 
"This is considered gross misconduct, and we should technically fire you for this."
   Whatever. They won't fire you here. Having the job is punishment enough. They'll string you along, though, making you think you're on the verge of getting the ugly axe. So you're forced to straighten up and behave like big brother wants you to.

   It's really disheartening to see the lifers bow down and accept the orders they receive. Knowing that they have devoted themselves to the company completely, that it consumes their lives. The department managers and sales floor workers are the worst. They get so caught up in all of the little nit picky, unnecessary changes that are constantly being passed down. Anything that is changed about our daily routines I typically ignore, but the poor frightened sheep go out of their way to ensure that the managers' demands are met in every way. Being in the presence of these people who have given up, having to attempt to relate to them to make your work environment somewhat tolerable is just soul-crushing. There are a few people that I work with who have hope for their respective futures, and if it weren't for them, my friends, and my family, I would have likely lost my sanity long ago.

   The customers are of no help, either. They trot into the store, expecting to be showered with attention and helpful advice. Acting as if they've been personally scorned if an item isn't in stock, or in our case, their car cannot be immediately serviced. God forbid you should have to wait more than 48 seconds for your oil change to be finished, or 2 minutes for your four new tires to be mounted and balanced.
   It's as if they all operate on the same timetable, as well. They come in waves, which adds to their frustration, because the wait time increases exponentially with their unified arrival. All piling in at once, failing to determine what the painted lines on the ground mean,
leaving their vehicles scattered about and demanding to know how long they're going to have to wait. Which is perfectly reasonable, I would want to know how long the wait is myself, but the rudeness is so uncalled for.

   This is just the start, I can't even begin to tell you all of the garbage I have to memorize in order to be able to do this job somewhat effectively. It's been said that the human brain can hold a finite amount of information. Arthur Conan Doyle's Sherlock Holmes likened the human mind to an attic which you should only furnish with the items relevant to your profession. If that is the case, then my attic is filled with volumes on oil filter sizes, tire sizes, recommended crankcase capacities, recommended tire pressures, average service intervals, maintenance light reset procedures, and so on. I want desperately to purge my mind of this information, so that I can withhold something more useful, like birthdays, or a how-to guide on getting myself out of this place.

   There's a long, long list of policies to maintain while we carry out our work. Everything from basic ethical practices to specific procedures for every action made on the property. Most of these policies can be searched for and printed out from the company's internet browser called "The Wire." Many more of these policies, however, exist in an obscure area outside of the realm of recorded information. This is a source of daily frustration for my friends and I.
   A lot of our procedures in the shop are listed openly online, but a good number of things ,i.e. installing used tires for customers, are impossible to determine any official information about. It extends throughout the store, touching on every position's procedures.
   The reason I ended up in the Christiansburg store was a direct result of one of these non-existent policies. I made the mistake of taking the service area manager position while working in Fairlawn, and after discovering how intolerable it was, I wanted to step down and become a technician again. Although this sort of thing had happened many times before without incident, I was told that it was simply not an option.
"You would be likely to be disrespectful to whoever takes your place."
   Right. I of course asked, quite justifiably, to be shown this policy before accepting that I was going to be forcibly transferred to either a different low-paying position or a different store. After some unreasonably difficult correspondence with the highest levels of management who would respond to me, the only answer I was given was that it was "corporate practice" and that they have "upheld this procedure very consistently." I threw up my hands and transferred stores. I make more money now than I did as a supervisor, so I win.

   Another policy of interest is, in many ways, the basis of my writing this. When I was hired, so far as I know, I did not sign any contracts stating that I was willing to give up any of my constitutional rights for this company. Yet, Walmart's "Social Media Policy" which was updated on July 19th, 2010 lays forth guidelines for its employees to follow when posting information on social networking websites. It states that the company will not infringe upon any employee's rights, but given the history of stupidity and misinterpretation that I  have seen, I would not be at all surprised if someone working for the company were fired for mentioning Walmart in any negative connotation on the internet.

   "Before creating online content, consider some of the risks and rewards that are involved. Keep in mind that any conduct that adversely affects your job performance, the performance of fellow associates or otherwise adversely affects members, customers, suppliers, people who work on behalf of Walmart or Walmart's legitimate business interests may result in disciplinary action up to and including termination."

  Sounds like a threat to me. A politically correct threat, but a threat all the same.

   Well, for the sake of not getting sued, I will add that I am not a representative of Walmart, and this post is of my own opinion and does not necessarily reflect the views of Walmart.